So as it happens with many divorces, there are children in the picture. And when there are children custody, and support, and visitation and such needs to be set up. And we all know this. In most cases, it turns into this huge ugly battle. And really, it doesn't need to be. Like anything out there of course there is the exception. The most important thing is the child(ren)s safety and well being. But for the sake of this blog, lets keep it to both parents are good parents, not dangerous.
Since so many divorces are harsh, and ugly, and bitter, and just over all a battle, a lot of times the kids get caught up in the fighting. They end up being weapons the parents use to hurt, manipulate, and hold control over the other. Well all I can say to this is STOP! Just knock it the hell off. Your kids, your children, they are people too. They have feelings, they have needs. They love both mom and dad.
I don't care what the reason for the divorce is, when it comes to the children both sides need to put their anger, their hurt, and all their negative feelings aside and find a way to work together FOR WHAT IS BEST FOR THEIR CHILDREN NOT THEM! I have seen posts, other blogs, and various sources (and psychology courses) state the following: children are half of each parent. When you put down the other parent, you are putting down half of your child. So in other words...knock it the hell off.
Your son and/or daughter didn't ask for you all to get divorced, and though they might be relieved, they still didn't ask for it. They don't deserve it. They don't deserve to be manipulated, and should never ever EVER feel like they have to take sides. All they really want is for their parents to love them. That's it. I have heard stories from friends about how their child will repeat something the ex-spouse said about them. How it's thrown back in the parents faces. How their children will disrespect them because they are encouraged by the other parent. STOP DOING THAT!!!!
I don't care how it has to be done, but as the adults, as the parents, you BOTH have the responsibility to find a way to civilly co-parent your child(ren). Don't be an ass for the sake of getting one over on your former partner. How cruel, and hurtful, and damaging that is to your child(ren).
So what should parents do? Be realistic, be fair, and when it comes to anything regarding the children, just put the negative feelings aside, and calmly talk. Know that arrangements probably will have to change as the child(ren) gets older. Their schedules change, their activities change, and their study time increases. They may get a part time job, etc. Remember those things cut into BOTH parents time. If both parents live so close to each other that the child(ren) would be attending the same school either way, then perhaps joint custody with a six month split may work out best. Maybe something like when parent A has the child(ren) living with them, parent B has every other weekend and a dinner one day a week, and then six months later they switch so parent B has the child(ren) living with them and parent A has them every other weekend. The only thing left to work out is holidays and taxes. Holidays, alternate. Taxes, parent A has even years, parent B has odd years.
But what if they aren't that close? Typical is every other weekend, alternating holidays and the custodial parent gets to claim them on taxes. BUT never ever ever fight to be the custodial parent just for the "tax deduction". See here's the thing, most times with the six month split, there is no child support, but with a custodial parent and the every other weekend scenario, the non-custodial parent usually has to pay child support. That being said, they can claim the child support on their taxes (at least in the tax forms I've seen. Make sure you check on this and mention it to the person that does your taxes).
Always inform each other of important things, like school conferences, grades, medical information, well child check ups, sports, organizations, etc etc etc. And BOTH parents should be as involved as they can be. This isn't about you or your ex (or soon to be ex), this is about the child(ren). No, you don't need to be friends, just be civil. Work together, and back each other up when it comes to your offspring.
Oh yeah, one more thing, some kids will see this as an opportunity to try to get something, or do something that maybe the custodial parent wouldn't allow or said no to. Don't worry about your child loving you more than your ex, or if they hate you etc. Do what's right, what is best for them to keep them safe, and happy. And don't try to buy them. Ever. It's ok to say no, in fact I would encourage it on a normal basis. Or have them earn what they want. But, that can be saved for another blog post ;)
Since so many divorces are harsh, and ugly, and bitter, and just over all a battle, a lot of times the kids get caught up in the fighting. They end up being weapons the parents use to hurt, manipulate, and hold control over the other. Well all I can say to this is STOP! Just knock it the hell off. Your kids, your children, they are people too. They have feelings, they have needs. They love both mom and dad.
I don't care what the reason for the divorce is, when it comes to the children both sides need to put their anger, their hurt, and all their negative feelings aside and find a way to work together FOR WHAT IS BEST FOR THEIR CHILDREN NOT THEM! I have seen posts, other blogs, and various sources (and psychology courses) state the following: children are half of each parent. When you put down the other parent, you are putting down half of your child. So in other words...knock it the hell off.
Your son and/or daughter didn't ask for you all to get divorced, and though they might be relieved, they still didn't ask for it. They don't deserve it. They don't deserve to be manipulated, and should never ever EVER feel like they have to take sides. All they really want is for their parents to love them. That's it. I have heard stories from friends about how their child will repeat something the ex-spouse said about them. How it's thrown back in the parents faces. How their children will disrespect them because they are encouraged by the other parent. STOP DOING THAT!!!!
I don't care how it has to be done, but as the adults, as the parents, you BOTH have the responsibility to find a way to civilly co-parent your child(ren). Don't be an ass for the sake of getting one over on your former partner. How cruel, and hurtful, and damaging that is to your child(ren).
So what should parents do? Be realistic, be fair, and when it comes to anything regarding the children, just put the negative feelings aside, and calmly talk. Know that arrangements probably will have to change as the child(ren) gets older. Their schedules change, their activities change, and their study time increases. They may get a part time job, etc. Remember those things cut into BOTH parents time. If both parents live so close to each other that the child(ren) would be attending the same school either way, then perhaps joint custody with a six month split may work out best. Maybe something like when parent A has the child(ren) living with them, parent B has every other weekend and a dinner one day a week, and then six months later they switch so parent B has the child(ren) living with them and parent A has them every other weekend. The only thing left to work out is holidays and taxes. Holidays, alternate. Taxes, parent A has even years, parent B has odd years.
But what if they aren't that close? Typical is every other weekend, alternating holidays and the custodial parent gets to claim them on taxes. BUT never ever ever fight to be the custodial parent just for the "tax deduction". See here's the thing, most times with the six month split, there is no child support, but with a custodial parent and the every other weekend scenario, the non-custodial parent usually has to pay child support. That being said, they can claim the child support on their taxes (at least in the tax forms I've seen. Make sure you check on this and mention it to the person that does your taxes).
Always inform each other of important things, like school conferences, grades, medical information, well child check ups, sports, organizations, etc etc etc. And BOTH parents should be as involved as they can be. This isn't about you or your ex (or soon to be ex), this is about the child(ren). No, you don't need to be friends, just be civil. Work together, and back each other up when it comes to your offspring.
Oh yeah, one more thing, some kids will see this as an opportunity to try to get something, or do something that maybe the custodial parent wouldn't allow or said no to. Don't worry about your child loving you more than your ex, or if they hate you etc. Do what's right, what is best for them to keep them safe, and happy. And don't try to buy them. Ever. It's ok to say no, in fact I would encourage it on a normal basis. Or have them earn what they want. But, that can be saved for another blog post ;)